afay: west meets east

Long time, no see

2006-09-27T03:50:00.000-04:00

I guess it's been a long time since I wrote. I've sort of lost interest in this blog, I think because of its' drab colours and such. But I don't actually care enough to change it. I also forgot my password for a while, and cared so little that I didn't try to remember or get it changed. But I care now... sort of.

We has been busy. We went home to Canada for a visit this asummer and it was great. It was nice for my parents to finally meet their grandchild. They were so happy to see her, and she liked having so many people fuss over her.
I also turned 30 which was a big let down. I thought that the sky would turn black, or at least gray and all of life as we know it would come to a standstill. None of that happened, and I had 2 uneventful birthday get togethers. Sign I am getting older - some of my friends brought their children and couldn't drink. Oh yeah, I have a child too. I guess that's another big sign.
The airline lost one of our suitcases which I can't even think about.
But not the one with all this great make-up I got for birthday gifts. That's a blessing.

Time is going so fast with the baby. She is already and 7-1/2 months old. She can crawl, she laugh a lot, has a tooth, and obviously can sit up. She is so beautiful and fun to be around. I am still tired because there's a ton of work that goes into caring for her, but I guess I'll get used to it at some point.
I am working again, which I hadn't done since I came to Norway. It's nice to work. I do copywriting for companies who would like to have better English. I can do it from home, and I am freelance, so that's a good deal.
We still go to babyswimming and she loves it. She especially loves to try and grab the other babies, who I think are a little wary of her. They all seem very blah. No personality. I guess she's hoping to meet up with another baby with as much personality as she has...
I did a little travelling in Norway this summer. I went to visit a friend in Holmestrand. Strand means beach, and holme is an islet. It's a nice coastal town, although small. Easy to get around, very little shopping possibilities. Next summer we are planning to travel around Europe which will be unbelievable I'm sure. Can't live in Norway without seeing Europe. That would be a mistake.
It's fall and I am feeling very un-tormented. Nice.

Look at the Baby!

2006-06-13T07:04:00.000-04:00

I'm beginning to see a lot of my personality in the baby. She tends to be dramatic, which I won't solely take the credit for, but when we say she's dramatic everyone looks at me. It's beginning to be a bit of an annoyance really, but anyway. She is very skeptical of anyone who is overly goo goo-ing, or ga ga-ing at her. She looks at them in a way that says (at least to me) 'what is YOUR problem?'
And yesterday we were at babyswimming. The instructor, Steve, asked us to bring all the babies together facing each other in a close circle, so they can get to know one another (sure). The baby next to ours was splashing and grinning and basically going crazy over the water (this is our 5th time swimming) and our baby looked over at him with a look on her face of disdain, mixed with pity and a touch of superiority.
I was so proud.
She really looked as if she thought that baby was making too big a deal of something they had all done before. If she could talk, I could see her saying, 'get a hold of yourself man'. I understand that because their lives consist mainly of repetition right now, so nothing should really come as a surprise. Which seems boring to me. So, I do give her a routine, but it's a varied and flexible routine. Sometimes because I am too tired to keep up the routine, and the rest of the time because I think it's good for her.
I think she might be a bit sarcastic too. We have this video of her in the bathtub and we're saying, 'kick your legs!' She looks at us, puts her legs in the air, and ... holds them there. Completely still.

So, I think by the time swimming is over we're supposed to be comfortable and good at dunking her head under the water. I am not a fan of this, because I worry a lot. We did dunk her a few times, but the last time I tried it, I did it wrong and she inhaled a ton of water and was chokinjg on it. I freaked out and now am unwilling to try it again. She's fine with it, I'm the one who is no good. I can't get the timing right. You're supposed to blow in her eyes just before you dunk her quickly. I always pause after I blow in her eyes and then she inhales water.
Is this really a skill she needs at 4 months?
Am I going to be one of those mothers who won't let their kids do anything because I'm a chicken? I hope not. I'm really trying to fight that urge. Next week, I will try to dunk her at swimming. Maybe.

Speaking of me

2006-06-07T06:17:00.000-04:00

I was reading over my old posts, and it was a little disturbing. At the time I write these things, I feel like I am truthfully representing myself. However, when I read them over after a lot of time has past, I feel like they don't really speak for me. In person it would be a whole other story. If these posts were being presented in the person I think it would be easier to get it/understand me (why would I want that). But that would be weird because I'd be standing around verbally posting and people would wonder what was wrong with me. Posting is totally not what a real conversation is like. It would be pretty funny though to have the posts written on thought bubbles and every once in a while I could just hold one up over my head.
Anyway, my point is that I come off better in person I think. At least it's easier to get the jokes... I think. Maybe I'm wrong.
Do I really talk like this? I don't know. I've only starting wondering about that now. I'll have to think about it. So much of what I say just goes out of mouth and then I am done with it. Like when people say, 'hey remember when you said this?' And I really don't. I just say, 'nope, I don't remember that. Are you sure I said it?' Usually they are pretty sure, so I have to believe them. A lot of the time the things I say are a total surprise to me. Like I really don't remember having that thinking process. I have boxes of old journals and sometimes when I read them I can't remember thinking about the stuff I wrote about. It's in my writing, but has completely left my mind. I guess it's either self-preservation or I just have a really shitty memory.
That's why I'm writing down everything about my pregnancy and birth, so that when she asks me about it I can just say, here read this!
Maybe I'll write in in thought bubbles and hold them up over my head for her so she can feel like she is part of the process... which she was, duh!

No title

2006-05-24T11:58:00.000-04:00

I couldn't think of a better title than that. And why should I? I'm busy taking care of a baby.

I've been feeling really good these days. In Montreal, as much as I enjoyed living there, I seemed to always be suffering some type of malais. I'll blame it on the pollution because it's always a good thing to blame stuff on. That or the endless drinking and smoking that we did.
In Norway, we've changed our ways a bit. It's not so much an all or nothing attitude anymore, and to tell the truth, I feel much better now. I still have my days of self-doubt/loathing, but now it is not topped off with the paranoia of weed. Which is a good thing, although I would have never believed that.
I'm not saying weed is bad, or that I am against any style of living. Just noticing that I feel better these days. A lot of it it probably has to do with the new baby and such. She is fun and funny, and I feel high around her anyway, so I don't really need to partake (sp?).
I do miss a lot of things about our old life, but in a way that you miss it, but don't want to go back to it. Like, I miss being in grade school, when life was (supposedly) so much easier, but I could never go back. I'd be the oldest person there.
Wow, I sound so responsible. Which I totally am not.
I am turning 30 though, and I was reading something that said lots of people look forward to turning 30 because it means they are really an adult, and it's time to behave like an adult. Whatever...
To me, turning 30 is a time to be grateful that I don't look older than 25. That I haven't gotten stuck in the past like so many others (I actually enjoy the now and all of its contemporary trappings). That I completely dislike people who behave like 'adults'. And turning 30 is a time to be happy that I am still learning.
Some people are meant to get older, and others just don't.

The New World

2006-05-08T06:43:00.000-04:00

Babies are a lot of work. Everytime I go out somewhere with her, I have to bring half of our house along with me. Yet, I go out more often now than I did before. Why? Well, when you are a new mom it is very easy to suffer from cabin fever. Plus, there are mommy groups to belong to, and we have started baby swimming. She looks incredibly cute in her swimsuit, even though she doesn't wear it. Instead she just wears a swimming diaper. I would never have known they make such a thing.
OKay, so in Norway they are really big on mommy groups. They arrange get togethers for all new moms in the area you live in. It's not the most exciting happening around town, but it's nice to go out and not have to worry about keeping your baby quiet. They also have baby cinema days here, where moms and babies can go. They have changing tables set up, and noone cares if your baby cries. I haven't gone yet. I can manage my baby crying, but I don't know about a whole room full of babies.
She is almost 3 months old. The time is going by so fast. In July I will be 30 years old. I am having trouble with that. Having a baby is fine. Turning 30 is not.
We are trying to plan a trip home to Regina in the summer. My parents can't wait to see their first grandchild, and I can't wait for the restaurant prices. And the chinese food. You would never think that Regina is the place for chinese food, that is until you've been to Norway.
So, even though our little sweetheart is so much work, I never get tired of her. Or of taking care of her. Sometimes I feel like I am living in a hallmark card.
'Cherishing the moments that make you heart smile' or something like that...
I've become so gushy.
Don't get me wrong though. I still have my moments. Like when I go outside and the neighbours are sitting outside in the sun frowning at me and I think to myself, 'who are you frowning at? You're 100 years old sitting outside in your bra and panties. I'm fully clothed.'
Or when I'm putting the stroller on the bus, and the bus driver closes the doors on my arms and I give him dirty looks for the whole ride home, hoping he'll close the door on his face.
And when I get together with my american friend (sounds like my american cousin), and we make fun of every norwegian thing we can. Like hearing norwegians swear in english. The meaning of norwegian swear words. Their interpretation of north american culture. All funny things.
So I have become lovey dovey, but I am still trying to nurture my sense of sarcasm and irony. After all, I have to have something to teach my daughter.

Stupid World

2006-03-23T06:51:00.000-05:00

I miss 'Arrested Development' (the show). Cancelling it proves that the world sucks. People prefer to watch weirdos marrying each other for money or eating crap for money, instead of an actual good show.

New

2006-03-14T12:49:00.000-05:00

I finally had the baby on February 15th. It was one hell of an experience. I'll leave it that.
She is so beautiful and it is actually fun taking care of her. One thing that I am mystified by is how easy it is for me to now refer to myself as mommy... I never thought I would be a mom or be known as that, yet my inner self has come to terms with it rather quickly.
It's also weird when other people, who have had several kids themselves, are holding her but give her right back to me as soon as she fusses. They say, 'oh back to mommy'. I always expect them to know more than me, but when it comes to my daughter they know that I am who she wants. I feel like an intern who is finally given a real job...
She is 4 weeks old now and growing so fast. I really can't believe how fast time is going by. Probably has something to do with the fact that it takes so long to feed, change and put her to sleep, that by the time I am done everything she is awake again and we start the whole process all over. She has always been good at sleeping at night though. So I am grateful for that. Still exhausted, but grateful.
She is such a pretty baby, of course I am biased, but I haven't noticed anyone cringing when they see her.
So that's it for my short break. Back to being a mommy.
Still the same old me, but now with added parental responsibility.

Pluckey

2006-02-01T05:59:00.000-05:00

For some reason, the only Canadian television we get in Trondheim is starTV. All they seem to have on their broadcasting plate is endless repeats of fashion television and those stupid listed shows, where they list things for no apparent reason ie: top 10 green hats worn by a celebrity. The girl who hosts that show is a moron and always looks slightly hungover, if not man-handled in some way. And way too excited about the lists.
The fashion television host - Jeannie Beker - reminds me of a female version of that snooty lifestyles of the rich and famous guy. Right now Jeannie is interviewing Betsy Johnson and making an ass out of herself. 'Oh Betsy, you're so wacky' and shit like that.
At night, starTV turns into showcase movie or something like that and all they show is bad movies that nobody has ever wanted to see. Yay Canadian television!
Ack, Jeannie is looking for celebrities to talk to at the Betsy Johnson show. She looks like some creepy stalker, or a kid trying to hang out with the popular crowd. Nobody wants to talk to you, or answer your in-depth questions about what celebrities are at the show.
Oh yeah, ask Carmen Electra about the show, she's a real fashion expert.
Some of the other great television choices here in Norway are reruns of Full House, Everybody Loves Raymond about a trillion times a day and my personal favorite, Beverly Hills 90210. I hope the cast gets to see some royalty checks.
We watched the movie Ali the other day and I was disappointed. It seemed like they were trying to make a fictional version of When We Were Kings. Since Ali himself is actually in that documentary, it's a little hard to top. Will Smith wass fine in Ali, but there was no flow in the story. It just seemed like a bunch of scenes possibly taken from newspaper headlines.
On Friday we are going to see Walk the Line and I am real hopeful about that. Plus I get to look at Joaquin Phoenix for two hours, so that's no problem.
Wouldn't it be funny to mix together Legally Blond and Walk the Line? There's another hit for the teens and tweens.
Abbreviations describing people are fun- tweens, 'rents- well that's all I can think of for now.

Space is an asset

2006-01-26T12:08:00.000-05:00

So, this is what 39 weeks pregnant is like.
Basically there is no more space left in my body for anything. Once in a while I can squeeze some food stuffs in, but other than that, there is no more room. I am huge, clumsy and impatient.
I am tired of hearing people say, oh my you are big.
Yeah, well, I am growing another person inside me.
People also like to ask if I am STILL pregnant.
Yup. That's why I am so big.
My hospital bag is ready, I am as psyched up as I'm ever going to be and we have finally gotten all the things the baby will need.
When is this going to happen?????
I think my doctor and midwife are sick of me.
I'm sick of me.
Sleeping is not so fun anymore. If I wasn't so tired, I'd prefer to just stay up all night watching movies or something. But of course I'm tired all the time.

One thing about living in Norway is that even if you are hugely pregnant, people won't give you a seat on the bus, or let you by when you pass them in a grocery store aisle. Instead they let you bump into them, or just awkwardly try to squeeze by. And everybody looks at me like they have never seen a pregnant lady before.
How 'bout a little help people, maybe even an encouraging smile?

My sister is coming here to visit and it's all set. She has her ticket and everything. I am so excited. I haven't seen her in two years. It's going to be so fun.
Weird to think that whne she gets here, I will have a baby.
Everything will be different.
Weird.
I guess some people would think that I would be prepared for the change by now, but nope, I'm not. It's still strange to think that soon there will be a whole new person living with us for the next 20-30 years (kids are staying at home longer now).
I can't stop wondering what the baby will be like.

Best husband ever

2005-12-20T06:08:00.000-05:00

The sad thing about being in a different country when you are experiencing something big is that the new country doesn't always have the same traditions as you are used to. For instance, norwegians have their big Christmas on Christmas eve. For me this feels strange because we were never allowed to open presents before Christmas morning.
But the hardest thing for me lately was when I learned that nobody has baby showers here. I don't understand why, it seems like a good idea to me. Of course that's probably because I am pregnant.
So, I had sort of gotten used to the idea that I wouldn't be having one, and although it made me sad, there really wasn't anything I could do about it. My mom and family had a small one for me back home, which I attended over the phone. Not quite how I imagined things but oh well.
Then came sunday and we were invited to go to a christmas party at my husband's neice's house. I was looking forward to it because I love Christmas. Thought it was a little strange that my husband wanted to go because he hates Christmas. Not only did he want to go, but he sort of seemed to be helping plan it and was bringing a lot of the food and supplies.
I didn't suspect anything though because his neice had been talking about the party and it was clearly for Christmas... She had a very good back story, lots of details.
So, I walked in Sunday and was looking at the decorations when I noticed that there was a clothesline hanging in front of the window with baby clothes on it. I started to look around the room, feeling confused and noticed that there were teddy bears everywhere and baby bottles and blankets. My husband and neice were watching me and trying not to laugh because I looked obviously confused and couldn't figured out what was going on. It was too good to be true. So, then they came clean and said it was actually a baby shower for me, and they had invited a ton of people. They couldn't have me come after everyone because I would have been too suspicious if my husband went there first. I started getting tears in my eyes and everything (pregnancy makes you emotional).
It was a great shower. So many people came which I thought was great since it's not really a tradition in Norway. There were so many presents for the baby, great food, and even a scrapbook with our wedding photo in it and pages for people to sign. It will be such a nice memento for the baby!!!!!
We took pictures and ate a lot and I had a great time. I was floating after it. I never expected anything like that, and it was so much more special because my husband had taken care to make sure it happened. His neice was so great at decorating and planning. She had researched baby showers on the net, and I thought that was sweet. I can't wait for her to get pregnant so I can repay the favor.
And that is why I know for a fact that I have the best husband ever! He knew how much it would mean to me, especially since I am so far away from my own friends and family.
I never really thought I cared about traditions. I am not a traditional kind of person. But now I find I just expect some things and being somewhere else made me realize that I am a little traditional, maybe in a non-traditional way.

I will invent monkey time travel

2005-11-23T07:30:00.000-05:00

There was snow here, but the rain ate it I think. Now it is just gray and dark out. The season of darkness has officially begun in Norway. It's light from about 10am until 3pm. Yay, suicidal weather patterns. It actually doesn't bother me that much, but I guess some norwegians get desperate at this time of year. But that's okay because everybody should be desperate at least some of the time, but of course not all the time. The rest of the time they should either be depressive, excessive or sarcastic. Maybe some combo of all three.
Went to Oslo the other weekend and that was pretty fun. I missed being in big city with tons of people all trying to push you down. Pushing people down is fun. I bought some more maternity clothes that don't make me look like a sack of potatoes. Or maybe I still do, except a fancier, more glittery sack of potatoes.
Only about two months to go in this pregnancy journey, which should not be mistaken for a musical journey. The baby is heavy and I can now see it moving beneath my skin. Creepy, but cool. Which could also describe this girl I used to know. I will call her Creepella. Oh how I miss Creepella. Actually I only had a few classes with her in university, so I don't really miss her. I miss the idea of her. Maybe I made her up. It's hard to be sure.
Here somes Santa Claus... I like Christmas, partly because of the colour red and the fabric velvet. Everything in velvet. That's my motto.
I bought the dvd to one of my favorite movies, 'Adaptation'. I could watch it over and over again. And now I can. Although I haven't for some reason. Now that's it there, it's like it's too available or something.
My back always hurts now. That really sucks. Without a back, I am nothing.
Still no closer to picking a name for the baby. How does one go about that? I don't even want to look at a baby name book. It's too much selection. Maybe the baby could come out with a nametag or something. That would be innovative of it.

Aliens

2005-09-29T06:49:00.000-04:00

I've started to feel the baby moving inside me. All the books describe it magically as butterflies in your tummy. It isn't really like that. It's funny. All of a sudden you realize you have something growing inside you, and you feel like Sigourney Weaver in Aliens. Actually, it reminds me of when our dog had puppies and we could see the babies moving underneath her skin. Our dog didn't seem too comfortable with it, and I guess I can understand that. I'm glad I'm not having a litter. Just one is enough. But now my favorite part of the day is when it moves around. I'm playing a lot of music for it, and it seems to like it. I know I do.

It's my favorite season again. Screw all those summer people. Forget the heat and the sun. I like the rain and the colours of the leaves. I like the cool breezes and grey skies. Fall reminds me of new school outfits and starting all over again. Before you get sick of everything and everyone. Is there any place in the world where it is constantly fall? If there was, I'd move there.

I was here once

2005-08-15T06:07:00.000-04:00

Saw part of a really cool documentary called The Corporation, based on the book by the same name. Good doc and it's hard to find good ones. Watched The Exorcist this weekend. Never saw it before and thought it was pretty good. Our niece was visiting and we wanted to see something that would scare her. It worked.
Arrested Development is finally coming to Norway and I can't wait. It's so funny. All this writing revolves around seeing stuff. I guess I've used my eyes enough these days.
I finally read The Great Gatsby and it was nothing like what I thought it would be. But I still enjoyed it. I also read The Da Vinci Code and I don't underestand what all the fuss is about. It's a book. Big deal.
Starting school again next week and am NOT looking forward to it. Language classes make me feel like I'm in kindergarten again, and learning how to speak all over again. It's a blah sort of thing.

First evers

2005-08-09T06:01:00.000-04:00

Went to my first live football match here in Norway. It was cold and the team I liked lost, as they have been doing a lot lately. That supports my theory that I am bad luck for sports teams, my hometown canadian football team always lost, so did the hockey players and basically canada sucks at everything.
I ate my first fishball here, which is yucky, so don't try it. And no, fish don't have balls, which is why they are good for fishing.
I ate salt and pepper chips, paprika chips, with no sign of dill pickle or salt and vinegar, which are better choices. There also seems to be no sign of Doritos, which should be a crime.
I saw my first fjord, and still don't understand what that means.
For the first time ever, I went to H&M, which is an okay store and cheap.
I drank akuvit, which is a stronger version of vodka. Made from potatoes. I like to trust a potato alcohol. It seems nicer.
I spoke Norwegian to real live norwegians. I thinks its funny. I hope they do too.
I took a ferry, which I know you can do in Canada, but I never did.
I saw a horse in a residential area. Maybe I could have done that too in Canada, but I didn't and should have.
I yelled at some crazy lady from Amsterdam who was drunk and obnoxious and seemed to think she had invented pot. It was fun to call her english swear words and watch her look confused.
I like swearing here... and everywhere I guess. But here it so much more special.

wowie

2005-07-20T06:21:00.000-04:00

So Norway is not so bad after all. My old man found work and we have our own place. I went to Norwegian classes all last semester and will start again August. It is actually not all that hard. I can read it better than speak, but I think that has always been my little brain issue. Why talk when you can read and write.
I like the weather here a lot better than in Montreal. Not too hot here.
I like Oslo better than Trondheim, and sooner or later we hope to move there.
I even found a store that sells tofu!

Some big news is that I am pregnant. Must be something about the water here, because everybody seems pregnant. Even the men!
We are excited and scared and looking forward to picking a name that will scar the kid for life. I already got my status here, so I can work and get free healthcare and everything a real citizen has... lucky me.
We may visit Sweden this summer and any other country we can.

Norway, shmorway...

2005-01-30T09:05:00.000-05:00

This country is strange and there is no variety. For now that is all I have to say about it, because I am tired of complaining about my new home.
We are living with my husband's mother, which is also probably all I need to say, other than she is senile.
I am taking Norwegian classes and I am the only north american. Made some friends there, but I have to admit, I hate taking these damn classes. It's one class all day long, in something I have no desire to learn.
Hmmmm, I'm lovin it.

Weird thing is though, I don't really miss Montreal. I miss the beer prices and the availability of weed, but that's about it. I thought I would miss it more, so I'm glad I don't.
It's strange that a Euorpean country is so backward when it comes to drinking and smoking the weed. People here think that the movie Reefer Madness is a documentary and that we will all be deviants if we smoke. Blah, blah, blah.
This coming from people so desperate to drink that they will buy methanol alcohol off of shady characters in the street just to get a buzz.
Backwards.

I'm hoping to get a chance to go home to Regina, SK soon. I don't think I can take much more of this place. I never thought that I would think Regina is an exciting place to live, but compared to Norway, Regina is friggin Las Vegas.

Eyebrow, Saskatchewan is probably better than this.
Oh Canada, etc etc...
;)

Heisann (hi)

2004-12-10T09:23:00.000-05:00

We are in Norway.
I survived the plane ride. I even bought some urban decay eyeshadow at Heathrow on the way through to Oslo. It was 9am in jolly old England, and we were amoung the few people NOT having a pint. After three valium, I didn't think beer would be a good idea.

We've had a lot of nice times here already, although I am suffering from some extreme homesickness. Even though I wasn't completely fluent at French in Montreal, I could at least understand and communicate. Here, my communication skills are reduced to hand gestures and A LOT of smiling.

Soon we'll go to Trondheim and start making a life for ourselves. The new freshest start ever.
There are many upsides to moving here and a few of them are getting a cellphone, and a puppy.

I never knew what being homesick felt like, but it's a horrible sinking feeling in my stomach most of the time.
Needless to say, this has messed with my bowel traffic... sorry to have to take it to that level, but I'm sure anyone in this situation would know what I'm talking about.

Montreal is fast becoming a fading dream. Was I ever even there?

Plain anticipation

2004-12-01T13:52:00.000-05:00

The gig last night was fun. It was at Main Hall, where I had never been. I really liked the venue and Datarock were great. We had to leave a bit early because my husband felt sick (from drinking not the music), but it was a good time. I danced, I drank, what more could I ask for?
I hope all Norwegians are as quirky as those Bergen rockers.

I woke up at 11:00am to a world of snow, which is okay. I don't really like the mushy quality to it, but I think that could be fixed with a good pair of rain boots. I want them to be striped.
As all my friends know, I like stripes.

My friend has left again, and his absence has reminded me of how we are really getting closer to moving day.
I am SO nervous. I just keep thinking that it's only for Christmas vacation and then I can deal with it later. I like dealing with things later.

I am trying to decide if I should head out to Cabane tonight. A part of me keeps asking me if I haven't had enough to drink for this week...

hung-over

2004-11-29T13:58:00.000-05:00

It has been non-stop drinking for the past four days and I am not tired of it at all... on Saturday all my friends were wasted by 1am and ready to call it a night, but I was more than ready to carry on all night. I even woke up ready to drink some more... and I did later on in the afternoon.
We stopped by a dismal and drenched ExpoZine and then had some yummy tom yum soup.

My friend Jason got into town on Thursday and we went to Copa's after drinking at our place for a while. Friday we went to a friends for fondue and I made a pumpkin pie. Saturday it was back to Copa's (I am sick of it there now).

I didn't get to go the Pixies concert, but my friend burned me a cd of their music to make up for my loss. I didn't know if 50 bucks was worth it, and I don't have enough 50's to chance it.
However, we are going to a gig at Main hall on Tuesday. This band called datarockers are playing and they happen to be from Bergen, Norway... an opportunity to get a taste of the Norwegian nightlife? Maybe so.

Still looking for someone who will sublet our very AFFORDABLE 5 and a half walk-up. It is a great deal and a great location on the plateau.

Still need to sublet

2004-11-23T15:08:00.000-05:00

We have our tickets to Norway and we are officially leaving on Dec. 6th.
So, we still need someone to sublet our apartment as we are planning on coming back. If you know of anyone, they can email plateauaptATyahoo.ca
I've been trying to see all the people and places that I will miss, but I keep going back to the same places and seeing the same people.
I really want to go to the December yulblog meeting so that I can at least say I've gone to one meeting before I've left.
Basically the last couple of weeks have been parties and pubbing and shunning all kinds of responsibilities. It's time to get packing and organizing.
I am looking forward to discovering Norway, but not looking forward to leaving Montreal. This city has gotten under my skin like a bad skin infection.
Is that a nice thing to say?

I already know for a fact that I am going to need a prescription for valium prior to getting on the plane. I can't even think about it without my heart skipping every beat and feeling like I'm gonna pass out. I know it's safe and all that, I just don't believe it.
Why did I think I would be a world traveller when I was in highschool?

I'm going to Copa's again this Thursday to meet up with some friends and drink the night away.

I can't believe I'm leaving in two weeks... and I'm finally going to meet my husband's mother, who doesn't speak a word of English.
Oh boy...

Why listen?

2004-11-10T15:43:00.000-05:00

Okay, I keep seeing all these girls with their jeans rolled up to their knees, and all I can say is that just because Sarah Jessica Parker and The Gap tell us to do something, doesn't mean we have to.
It's a horrible look. That's all there is to it.
And stop with the ugly flower broaches(sp?)

I went to the Eaton's centre yesterday, and almost over-dosed on the 80's styles. All the teens(and middle-aged women) were decked out as if they were trying out to be extras on the re-make of St. Elmo's Fire, starring Ashton Kutcher and Ashley Simpson.
Uggghhhhhh.
All these repeats make me tired. First there were TV show repeats, then remakes and now all our clothes and songs and everything are remakes and repeats.
Is this what we've come to? Is this all we've accomplished?
Stupid post-modernism.

Please stop looking for the next big thing.
That's my advice.

you know it

2004-11-09T16:57:00.000-05:00

Soon my hubby will be home from work. It's our anniversary.
Yay!
I feel like a party.
We may have a going away party, but I don't know.
I love this cold weather. It feels more normal like this.
Okay, time to go get some wine...

I christen thee...

2004-10-26T15:02:00.000-04:00

My husband and I have great fun naming our snacks before we eat them.
Yesterday we ate Paul, a lovely tasting chocolate bar.
I have been craving Herman, so today I’ll have him for a snack.

This weekend I went for beers with a friend at L’barouf. We didn’t get a big beer though. Too bad.
Then on Saturday we went out dancing at le diable vert. It’s okay there, except it’s always so packed. And hot.
The bathrooms are like a dungeon.
Wait a sec, why do I go there?
Oh yeah, to dance.
Another place for after-work beers is le divan orange. I like the atmosphere. Or at least I did the last time I was there.

I want to find a new place to go dancing. It has to have good music (not an eighties night), and cute boys. The boys are mostly for my single friends, although there’s nothing wrong with me looking.
And I don’t like places that have strict dress-codes. There’s no point in going out dancing if you have to wear heels, unless you like to wear heels.
Personally, it was more fun for me to wear heels as a kid playing dress-up. Wearing them as an adult makes me feel like I’m still playing dress-up, except noone else knows.

I didn’t drink too much this time. Yay for self-restraint.
Actually, I had everyone who was out with me make sure I was cut-off after a certain amount.
So, one side affect of being sober in a bar at 3:00am is that I got to see many guys in action, trying to make their moves.
And, it was hilarious.
One guy seemed to think that if he stood close enough to a girl, that she would turn around and take him home. Instead, she got creeped out, and walked off.
This same guy, moved onto another girl and her friend who were dancing. He started dancing behind them, but didn’t say anything. He just kept dancing closer and clsoer until he was bumping into them.
Maybe he thought that was close enough to getting lucky.
The girls just moved away from him.

I was sitting by myself for just a second, and was surrounded by guys. It was like being swarmed, except without any follow-up. They all just sort of let their presence be known.
I don’t have a traditional wedding band anyway, so it’s probably not obvious to people.
I got out of there, quick as I could though. I started to feel claustrophobic.
The end of the night pick-up hour can be intense, especially if you are an innocent bystander.

I guess it’s sort of funny that I go out for after-work beers so often. I don’t have a job. But when I did have a job, I never had time to go for beers. Go figure.

presently

2004-10-18T17:01:00.000-04:00

I am cold, bored, and on the verge of a headache.

There is no sun, and no hope of sun.

I feel like going out.

I like writing on one line at a time.

Okay, enough of that shite. I thought that if I wrote really spaced out sentences, the time would pass quicker - but it's not.
I will still go for a walk in the park (jeanne mance), but I doubt I'm going to enjoy it. How could I? It would be a slap in the face to the sun, who at the moment is indisposed.

I really want to go see the one-man show at infinititheatre... I think it will be good. And if it's not, then I would want to know first-hand that I am wrong.

This weekend I am going out again. It's part II in my series of funtime good-bye activities to Montreal. I don't WANT to get sick this time, and that's the key!
The thing I really need an idea for is HALLOWE'EN!!!!!!
I want to have the best time. It will probably be my last hurrah here (can you tell I don't want to leave... me and the hubby had a pretty heated conversation about that today).
I still need a costume idea and a few party ideas, at least to cover a full two days.
Let's go crazy...

The other day I was thinking about one of the favorite items of clothing I've had. It was my Vision Streetwear t-shirt. I don't have it anymore, but I wish I did.
It was a bright, tree green, and it had the Vision logo on the front. I think one of my friends gave it to me. It was grade nine or ten. Or maybe even seven or eight.
I can't remember.
All I know is that there weren't a whole lot of places to get Vision clothing in Regina at the time. I thought I would never get one, and then I did one day. It was a total surprise.
I wish I knew what I'd done with that shirt.
Another favorite t-shirt I had was a navy blue one with multi-coloured letters spelling out 'Mandy'.
I've never really liked that nickname (actually, I hate it) but I didn't mind it so much on the shirt. It seemed more like it was making fun of the name.
I was like eight years old when I had that shirt.
At least I think that's how old I was.
I have the worst memory- for memories.
For other things, I have the greatest memory... phone numbers, faces, Simpson episodes, song lyrics.
Bah humbug.

Blackouts mean a four drink maximum

2004-10-15T13:38:00.000-04:00

Oh me oh my.

Last weekend we went on a drunken spree to end all drunken sprees.
The night started out innocent enough with us having a couple of friends over. I had one beer and then I decided to move onto vodka. I figured that beer had been making me tired lately, so a little hard alcohol couldn't hurt.
Needless to say for me, I can't always tell when I have had enough. I think I was pretty blasted before we even went out to the club.
So we left to go out dancing. I don't remember our walk over to St. Laurent. I remember a few glimpses of St. Laurent, but nothing that makes any sense.
We spent a little time trying to figure out where to go, and then we went to this new club because they were letting us in for free (but later I realized it was only if you had one of those stupid cards they hand out on the street, which I didn't have... luckily a firend paid for me to get in as my dear husband had already gone in ahead of me.)
Oh, was I drunk.
Okay, so we are at the club... someone is ordering me a drink and I'm just sort of hanging out. Then this guy comes up to me and starts talking to me. At this point, I am so drunk that all I am doing is smiling at people. Whenever I get really drunk, I lose my ability to talk for a little while. It usually comes back later in the night, in the form of yelling.
But this guy is chatting me up, I'm sure thinking that he has a great shot at getting me in bed because I haven't told him to get lost.
I just keep smiling, and he keeps talking.
My friend comes back and tries to get the guy to leave, but he doesn't. My husband and our other guy friend come up to us, and finally the guy leaves. Not like he was being annoying, but I guess because I'm married I'm not supposed to talk to guys...
After that, we danced a bit, and drank a lot more. I don't really remember much more from the club except they girl bartenders got on the bar and danced. I can remember thinking that they were good dancers, but had bad clothes on. Ill-fitting.
I got the rest of the story from my friend the next day, because me and my husband woke up the next day sick as dogs and unable to recall a lot of stuff.
Apparently we had all decided to leave the club and go get something to eat. But then all of a sudden, my husband and I just wandered off, without saying a word. Me in the wrong direction (but absolutely sure I was RIGHT) and my husband trying to get me to follow him. We were making a scene, yelling. This part I remember because it is so scary.
I couldn't stand or walk anymore, I can actually remember everything tilting and spinning and me sort of just folding over onto the ground - right in the middle of the street.
My husband then tried to get me up and was pulling on me. Some guys came up to us and I guess they thought my husband was hurting me because they started yelling at him and trying to punch him.
By this time, I was able to stand and was screaming at these guys to stop. One guy got a punch on my husband and I freaked out, begging them to stop because he was my husband. Finally they listened and left us.
So, we started walking home, my husband in a crazed drunken state and me crying and sobbing
(doesn't alcohol bring out the best in me).

Next thing we knew it was morning and once again I had given myself alcohol poisoning. It was twelve hours of puking and two days of recovery.
This is why I now have a four drink maximum. This is my limit.

I still don't know what happened when we got home. One of our neighbours said they heard my husband yelling, but that's about it.
All I know is that I had one perfectly rolled joint in my pocket, and I can't remember if I smoked it. I don't know where it went but it wasn't in my pocket when I woke up.

Staying afloat without my boat

2004-10-06T13:47:00.000-04:00

When you're really broke and down on your luck, you are able to see who your real friends are. For most people, unhappiness and uncertainty are like diseases to stay away from.
A lot of people I've met have the attitude, 'if you have a problem stay away from me.'
Yay for feelings of support and community.
The funny thing is, when you've been there for someone else, they will usually be there for you when you need them - and that's one of the best things life has to offer.
I know from experience.
The people who have even just said a kind word will be remembered.
I am always there for people, even when they don't deserve it... is that something I should change?
What I am saying is that I really appreciate everyone, and I eman eveyone (the few of you) who have been supportive, and kind and most of all UNDERSTANDING during our times of hardship.
I feel nothing but hope (okay maybe a tiny bit of fear) for whatever Norwegian adventure lies ahead.
And for those who have been scared away by our troubles... good luck to you. When you have your won troubles, you'll relaize that it's nothing to hide and nothing to be ashamed of. We all need someone, sometime.

I am planning a final Canadian thanksgiving. I'm going to make a traditional Aboriginal menu and spend the day outside.
If anyone wnats any of the recipes, I can post them here. I'll be saying good-bye to Canada and hello to Norway this fall.

On that note, we are looking to sublet our plateau apartment. If you are or know of anyone who is responsible, neat and relatively quite AND they are looking for an apartment, we have the goods!
For more info, email plateauaptATyahoo.ca

I wanted to go to the yulblog meeting tonight, but I am pretty broke... so cheers to everyone I never met, except through your blgs.
Montreal bloggers rock!!!

Should I stay or should I go?

2004-09-24T16:35:00.000-04:00

This is the current musical theme to my life... should I move to Norway or should I stay here? Everyday I have a different answer. If it's an answer that's required.
I don't know what I'm talking about anymore. There are always so many different reasons for so many different things.
Oh yeah, and the telemarketing gig is over. I stuck it out as long as I could (with very few drinking trips to the bathroom for those who were worried by my last post), but they kept trying to get me to embrace lying and for some reason I was incapable of it.
When one guy told me he had just declared bankruptcy and my supervisor said I should have sold to him anyway, I knew I wouldn't be doing the job for all that long.
But I did try picking strawberries which almost crippled me for life.
Kudos to those who can actually make money at it. I picked berries for over 8 hours and I made $30.00 overall... yee-haw, no thanks!

Still looking for work, qualified for everything and nothing at the same time.
Everytime I go to an employment centre, the counsellors always tell me I have a GREAT resume (sometimes I imagine them saying it like Tony the Tiger).
So then why can't I find a job if my resume is so awesome?
I will never give up!

Bottoms Up

2004-09-09T14:29:00.000-04:00

I have been trying to swallow my pride for the last week, and it is choking me up.
I had to take a telemarketing job, which I am not very good at. Right now, I am just trying to stay on long enough to get a paycheck from it.
Yesterday, I had to drink vodka all day, just to cope with being there.
Here is a new song about it:
drinking vodka in the bathroom
at my new
crappiest place of work
can they smell it, do I care?
I am just drinking vodka
in this tiny bathroom stall

okay, I know it needs some work, but I think its a keeper.
I guess we are moving to Norway soon, which is a BIG scary change for me...
if you have any other job ideas, please let me know... I really cannot take this anymore.

Mucking things up Grand Royale style

2004-08-13T11:29:00.000-04:00

I always speak my mind
however
I am sometimes wrong in what I think
So I guess theoretically I could say the WRONG thing

Or maybe it's all about timing and it's more that it's the wrong time to say things.
I am going to try harder to say what I mean, and maybe even sometimes I'll mean what I say.

Now if I could only get everyone else to do the same thing, it would be a beautiful world. A damn beautiful world.

People.
Hmmmmmmm...
They are annoying sometimes. Especially when they are alcoholics and they remember things one way (the whole world is against me - boohoo- hand me that beer), and never seem to realize that they aren't a day at the park.

If you have an alcoholic for a parent, it isn't a good idea to have one for a friend. It's too confusing for the brain. It's hard to keep all the alcoholics straight in the mind.

One person's drinking binge is another person's living nightmare.

Musicals for us (the people)

2004-08-10T12:33:00.000-04:00

When me and my friends would take magical trips (the mushroom and LSD variety) we would often return with the most fabulous ideas for musicals.
I am still trying to figure out a way to finance our stage productions. We even had a plan for what order we would release these musicals.
The first one we would do would be called "Pants, Pants, Pants." This musical is about pants and the glorious part they play in our lives. There'd be snazzy dance numbers and slow heart-breaking musical interludes.
This would be our opening number, so to speak.
Our money maker would be a more cabaret-like show called "Bending Our Lives Away." This show would feature a chorus line of girls in tiny dance costumes, bending and twisting to fun music!!! A sure way to finance our next musical.
This next musical is where we became more introspective and intellectual. It's called "Look at Us, Look at Them." It is the story of the four writers and producers of the musicals (A,J,J,S) after we have found fame. We are on top of the world and believe that there are no better musical writers thanus. We have become the snobbiest and most smug musical producers around. Then, all of a sudden, another four come along who are exactly like us in every way (looks, voices, thoughts, clothes) except better! We are left behind suddenly as the other group takes our place in the spotlight. The title song takes place after we have realized what our egos have done to us...
"Look at us, look at them"

This is just a few of the examples of the stage productions we cam up with. I think another one might have involved my hair (and only my hair) on stage doing a soliloquay. I'm not sure where the rest of me would be, except for my brain which should be in jar just off stage (to help the hair of course).
I was always one of the first people to fall asleep or lay catatonic on the floor after a heavy night of partying. This would be the time when my friends would take over my hair, and spread it out on the floor and wrap their fingers in it. It would be really funny because I would be half asleep, half awake and muttering things from my dream state. Nothing would make sense (not that much does when I'm awake) I'd say, "it's time to take the monkey for a walk" and my friends would crack up laughing. Then I'd wake up from the laughing and ask what was so funny, then I'd fall back to sleep.
I don't think I'm up for many more of those trips, my mission now and forever is to have our musicals on Broadway. We won't settle for anything less!

(all content copyrighted of course like a horse)

Awww, it's a new post... isn't it cute.

2004-08-09T11:01:00.000-04:00

Now that I am 28, the days just fly by. It's been a solid month of parties and guests and summer love!
My mom visited after we had a friend come to visit. (hey M. how's it going? You deserve an award for best guest ever... we miss you!)
The mother visiting is a big deal for me. She had never been to Montreal before and it was strange to see her in my surroundings. Even weirder to have her in our home. I can't explain why, it's just weird for me. I guess part of it could be the changes that she has gone through. She looks so different, younger and more in style. Her current 'boyfriend' is only a year older than me (aaaaagggghhhhhh, she has sex?!).
She is so different. It almost feels like she's not my mom.
Or it did feel like that until she came here. Then I saw she was still the same, old mom.
She expected me to wait on her hand and foot as usual. She never paid for anything, she left towels on the floor and dishes in the sink. Just like she used to do, at our old home.
I was so annoyed by that. Maybe it's petty of me, but I never said I was above petty. In fact, I'm below it. Waaaayyy below it.
And instead of listening to me or having an interest in our life, she only talked about herself. This is a new development for her. She used to listen to me. That's what made our relationship possible. But, I guess she has to be self-centered. She is sort of on her own.
Yet, she is still our Mom and I know my brother is having a problem living with her. She expects him to call when he is out and be home at a certain hour (he's 18), but she doesn't follow those rules. He's always worried when she doesn't come home until 4am. I'd worry too, except I moved far away.
At one point during her visit, I actually felt disgusted with myself for having come out of this woman. How could I have stood being inside her for nine months? Surely I must have been premature?!
No, not me. I stuck it out, getting as much nutrients as I could. In a way, that's how our relationship has always been. Me forcing her to perform her motherly duties and her not noticing a thing.

When me and my mom were friends (hey that'd be a good song title) I was in a different place. I was still in the 'child' world. Things are murkier there. It's harder to make out all of the things that are presented to you; all you can do is believe what you are told. It was like never being tall enough, mentally. I couldn't see above the clouds of lies/hypocrisy. Now that I am a part of the ickiness that is the 'adult' world, I can see all of the excuses.
All of her excuses.
I have finally realized that I am angry at my mom.
Maybe that isn't the happiest news, but it's a beginning.
I can move forward with this.
I can admit a few things.
I can let go... which I think is what my dreams have been telling me to do all along.

Summer breeze

2004-07-07T14:53:00.000-04:00

The old lady across the street is giggling like a schoolgirl. When I looked out the window, I could see her wiping tears off her face. I don't know what she's laughing at, but I'm smiling just the same. Sometimes she laughs, sometimes she cries (which breaks my heart) and then sometimes she flashes!
She gets a real kick out of raising her skirt and shirt in the direction of any passer-by. Makes me laugh when she does this. Just like when the man across the street came out onto his steps wearing only a pair of tightie whities with socks and shoes.
There is something about a man in droopy gitch that is very pathetic. Tired.

A couple of weekends ago, we went to watch the soccer game with some people. It was an all-day affair, and I drank very steadily from 11:00am until about 11:00pm. One thing that I forgot to do along with the drinking was EAT!
I was sooooooo sick that evening and next day. I guess I had alcohol poisoning. It was a hot day, and without any food I guess I overdid it.
But try to remember to eat when you are stumbling around drunk for so many hours. The concept of food seemed very interesting, but foreign.

So this weekend we went to a party and I managed to keep it under control. I drank but I didn't DRINK. And I even ate some food and made sure to get a lot of water in me.
The night went well, we had fun, and the next day I was able to function.

Does this mean I am becoming an adult?

Yesterday I had a good day of job hunting, and felt like my hope had risen a little bit.
For me, the problem is getting people to understand why I am not looking for work in my field.
I already do work in my field. I write and produce -independently for myself; and while my boss hasn't paid me in a while, I still do that work on a daily basis.

So, I look for work on the side that will pay with money. And because I am already working on my own stuff, I don't want a job doing somebody else's stuff in my field. It makes it hard for me to have energy for my own work...
Now, many people may wonder, what work?
Well, I write and have ideas for stories or articles or scripts everyday. Right now I am going through a lot of my writing and putting it together in the form of a book. Takes time, takes patience.
I am also always researching and reading up on film, TV, music, news, networks and funding opportunities. I also keep my eyes open for things I am interested in producing or people I am interested in promoting.
In this field you sort of have to be up on everything all the time.

And that's why I am not solely looking for work in my field.
(Although if CBC called and wanted me to work there, I would say yes in a second. That is my dream job place... I have applied and will again and again and again!!)

This weekend I am hoping to get down to the Jazz festival before it's over.
We have a guest coming to visit this week, and therefore a lot of cleaning to do.

Oh yeah... I saw the new Chris Rock special and it is more than hilarious. He mixes in a lot of really great content with his humour, so he is funny and also very smart about it.
It's worth checking out.

So is this really strange/funny show on the comedy network called "I'm with Busey" (I think that's what it's called).
Basically it's this semi-nerdy guy hanging out and potentially being taught things with Gary Busey.
Busey is completely crazy and spontaneous and it's hard to tell if he's pretending, or if he really is that over the top. They do all sorts of things and Busey tries to teach and help the guy become more like Busey.

Which if you think about it, is something we should all do!

Running in the rain

2004-06-22T14:18:00.000-04:00

Okay, well, the weekend didn't measure up as high as I thought it would on the fun-o-meter. I won't go into details, except to say that me and the mister spent most of the weekend frowning at one another... boo-hoo.
All's well that ends well, and today we had a great (tough) run on the mountain in the pouring rain.
But I will say that I looked friggin hot this weekend. I was sad that more people didn't get to bask in my glory! Seriously, it was like having a good hair day, except magnified tenfold.
We did get our drink on though, and had dinner at Mondo Frites on Saturday. It was yummy and much like a heart attack, I imagine.
Listened to some tunes on the street where they were painting the big mural, and then of course ended up in the park.
What is it about that park?
Yesterday was such an unexpected great day. Monday, I love you!
England won (thank goodness, otherwise the England sign my husband was working on would have been useless and quite probably a fire hazard), and so we had a small celebration.
Nothing to write home about... Thursday England plays Portugal and I am afraid that will most likely be something to write home about. Good or bad, I have no way of knowing yet ;)
Went to a weird interview yesterday, but I won't say anything about it yet out of superstition. Sometimes the weirdest jobs are the best jobs, so I'm actually huoping something will come out of this.
Listened/watched Bill Clinton on Oprah today and was stunned to hear him talk about his childhood. Everything he described, I felt and thought. We had a very similar childhood and it was weird to hear it come out of someone else's mouth - especially Bill Clinton's.
He mentioned living a double life as a child and I totally knew what he meant. When I was away from home I was the happiest and most grateful person ever, because I didn't have to deal with my dad and his drinking. Some people at school would have never known that the night before my dad had been on some drunken binge, keeping us up all hours of the night. My sister was an honours student the whole way through school and most of the people we knew would never guess she wrote tests after spending a night wondering where our dad was, and if he was coming home that night, or the next, or the next...
But that's the funny thing. At the time I didn't think about it. I just lived through it and was happy for the moments of relief and the time away from the house. Sounds strange, but I never think people ever need to feel sorry for me. That's just the way it was, and now I can either move on or stay stuck trying to figure out why it happened to me. Who cares why...
Maybe I'll be prime minister one day because of it!
(not that I'd want to, maybe member of parliament, they get pretty fat checks)

Time to get to work and finish painting. Our kitchen has been in a state of disrepair for a few weeks now.
I was looking for a recipe for a spinach and feta cheese pizza, but apparently that doesn't exist according to Google.
Help me find a good recipe for my favorite pizza!

Take me to my streets

2004-06-19T12:41:00.000-04:00

Last weekend a bunch of us watched the english match and drank a lot of beer at a friend of a friend of a friend's place...
Spent the week trying to figure out why I am spending time looking for shitty jobs that I know I won't prosper in.
But now, it's the weekend and that means - drinking. This is a special weekend, it's the St.Laurent Street festival weekend, so even if I didn't want to drink, I'd have to.
Last night we wandered around and secretly drank beer on the street. The fake police tried to stop us, but we persisted. And, as always we ended up in the park drinking.
Today we will be sauntering up and down St. Laurent, eating some food and watching all the beautiful losers.
Tonight, it will be drinking again and hopefully some dancing. We may go to the Jupiter room or Barfly or Copa or something. If anyone can pick me out of the crowds, I will let you buy me a beer. Maybe even two. Hey, let's face it. It'll be three.
I will have a Batman pin somewhere on my persona and I will most likely be wearing a white top.
I also have curly dark hair, but so do a lot of folks.

Mmmmmmmm, coffee is calling somehow, and I can hear it!

Drinking in the Park

2004-06-08T11:21:00.000-04:00

There is no better weekend than taking some beer, some snacks and the most important thing of all - a blanket - to Jeanne Mance parc. We live very close to it, so going home to the bathroom is no biggie. I mention the bathroom because essentially that's really all that park is. That's why the blanket is the most important thing... people and dogs piss and shit (okay, I don't know for sure if people shit, but it'd be stupid to think otherwise) everywhere in that park. If you can have several layers of blankets, it's even better. Maybe a plastic sheet to lay down first, as a precaution.
Also if you have a good idea of where the most popular pissing spots are, you can avoid those areas.
But I think it's really funny when we see a bunch of done up girls and guys in the trendiest clothes rolling and frolicking in the grass in an attempt to get some attention.
All I can think, is "yeah, you're real cute, but you're rolling in piss and shit my friend. It is a dog park after all!"

So, we were going to check out the beer festival, although the last time we went it pretty much sucked. It mostly seems to be for people whose idea of acting crazy is having one beer, maybe two. Not that there's anything wrong with that (actually there is everything wrong with that).
But when we saw the prices for beer tasting, there was no way. No thanks. Beer isn't that good. It's tastes best when you can drink it really fast, and in great quantities!
Also, me thinks (today I am pretending to be a pirate), that the beer festival tends to attract a lot of yuppy guppies, or whatever the preps are being called these days.
Remember when it used to be "preps"... or what about "squares".
Ah, good words.
Don't forget about spazz and grody! Those were classics.

I get nervous when I'm around too many squares... I don't reallly know how to explain what I mean... I guess if you know, you know and if you don't, you don't.

Which reminds me of this commercial I was watching; it was for a home renovation place and they were showing all these rooms and how easy it is to have plates and curtains and floors that match and compliment. For a second I became really wrapped up in the commercial because I was looking around our apartment thinking, "geez, nothing in here matches or compliments, I wonder if should get on that..."
And then I realized just how easy it is to distract people. There are actually people who think that it's important for all our stuff to match, when in reality we don't even look at half the stuff we have. Do the people who have matching glasses and plates actually take them out and look at it and think, " I am so great because my life matches!"
It's so easy to get wrapped up in stuff that is just distraction, meant to make us consume needlessly, instead of doing stuff that has more to do with living.
I mean, it's okay to decorate, but if it becomes more important than anything else, you've got a problem. If you aren't happy because you don't have that last vase that compliments the rug, than you've got some shit priorities.
There's unhappiness (oh no I broke a nail) and then there's unhappiness (my whole family died and I am so poor I have no hope of eating in the next few weeks).

On another completely different note, I've been doing volunteering at a few places recently and what I have come to know is that if you want to become QUICKLY disillusioned with something, volunteer for it!!

But I was warned by a few people that finding the right place to volunteer isn't that easy. It takes a few attempts... so I guess I'll keep looking.
If you any ideas, let me know.

MusicVideo

2004-06-04T13:03:00.000-04:00

One video that I love is Nelly Furtado's Try. I love the way she uses flat backgrounds and colours to give an old world feel to the video. The setting is relevant to Canada but at the same time it isn't only something Canadians can relate to. We all have ancestors that have been poineers in one way or another and all of our countries have a history of beginnings. Just like people and relationships.

I also admire the way that Nelly includes her culture, but in a fresh, way. I grew up consumed by my culture (identity wise) and I know it will always be a part of my work. But I want to do it a way that reflects who I am... someone who didn't grow up traditionally and who is more modern in the way I interpret my culture. I want to be able to share my culture but not keep it in the past. I am a Metis from the suburbs and even though there aren't hoardes of us, there are a lot of youth who grew up the way I did, yet still feel connected to our culture.

Anyway, the real reason that I like the song is the lyrics...

All I know
Is everything is not as it's sold
but the more I grow the less I know
And I have lived so many lives
Though I'm not old
And the more I see, the less I grow
The fewer the seeds the more I sow

Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try
Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try

I wish I hadn't seen all of the realness
And all the real people are really not real at all
The more I learn, I learn
The more I cry, I cry
As I say goodbye to the way of life
I thought I had designed for me

Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try
Then I see you standing there
I'm all I'll ever be
But all I can do is try
Try

All of the moments that already passed
We'll try to go back and make them last
All of the things we want each other to be
We never will be
And that's wonderful, and that's life
And that's you, baby
This is me, baby
And we are, we are, we are, we are
Free
In our love
We are free in our love
-Nelly Furtado Try

I think this exactly sums up what being in a relationship is. I love the way she talks about wanting to be more and wanting things of others. I know that I am always wanting to be so much more for some of the people in my life, but at the same time I know I can never be all that they or I want.
As Popeye said, "I ams what I ams"
or something along those lines.
Love that Popeye.

Tight Jeans and High Heels

2004-06-02T19:08:00.000-04:00

I went jogging on the mountain this morning with my husband (actually he rode his bike beside me). It was going good and I was just looking at the trees and stuff, trying to convince myself that running is good for me.
Then I noticed this guy who was walking up one of the more hidden paths on the mountain, not far from the main road.
From the waist up the guy looked like a construction worker or something along those lines. He had a bomber jacket on and he was carrying a bag.
But from the waist down, the guy looked a whole lot more like J.Lo.
He had on really tight, women's jeans and very spiky, very high heels (I think the heels were metallic silver).
The only reason I didn't burst out laughing was because I was out of breath from the running. And I also thought for a second that I could be hallucinating.
But after we saw that guy, I couldn't stop trying to fill in the blanks.
Where was he going?
Did he know that heels would be so tough to walk in on the mountain?
Where did he get his jeans, especially in the size that he was? I really can't see Buffalo, or Manager making a butt-lifting jean big enough for a lumberjack.
I could be wrong though.
These days everything is custom-made.

Anyway, I hope he had fun wherever he was going. And that his heels aren't ruined from the walk.

Until the End of the World

2004-06-01T15:58:00.000-04:00

One of the greatest soundtracks that I have ever listened to.
Until the End of the World
Unfortunately I never actually owned the soundtrack, but I used it for an extremely long amount of time thanks to the public library.
The film is very good too, by Wim Wenders. If you haven't seen the film, you should. Nick Cave and his band are in the film so that's reason enough to check it out.

And my movie recommendation of the week is....
Half Baked by Tamra Davis. She is married to a Beastie Boy and also is the director of my other classic favorite movie: Billy Madison.
Say what you will about Adam (but watch it, he's a cool guy), that movie is one of the greats.

Being a film person I have some strange film preferences. I have never seen Citizen Kane, Clockwork Orange, or Titanic. Why?? In some cases I just don't want to, mostly because I enjoy being stubborn and having people ask me, "Why haven't you seen Citizen Kane? It's a classic. You HAVE to see it."

No, I don't. And I don't even have to have a reason.

A couple of my own 'classics/favorites' are:
The Doors
Heathers
Reality Bites
Twin Peaks Fire Walk with Me
St.Elmo's Fire
(I am a product of my time)
Weird Science
Billy Madison
Half Baked
Dirty Dancing
Secretary
Adaptation
The Good Girl
Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
Clueless
Dazed and Confused
Waking Life

I guess I could go on forever, almost never met a film I didn't like, unless it was by Disney or Ivan Reitman (ha, ha).

But, I started with Wim Wenders and so I will finish with recommending another film classic, this time by Jean Luc Godard Masculine/feminine.
Oh yeah and for some reason that makes me think of that awesome film The Discreet Charm of the Bourgeousie.
See that one too. It's directed by Louis Bunuel.

If you actually watch any of these movies, let me know what you think, or don't.
I don't actually care.

Full contact

2004-05-12T10:27:00.000-04:00

Okay, I just saw an ad for a TV show called "Full Contact Fishing". Now that doesn't really seem fair to me. Do the fish know it's full-contact? If the people get padding and equipment, what will the fish use for padding... seaweed?

Or maybe the show is a bunch of people tackling each other for the tacle box... you have one guy who puts the hook on the fishing rod (or pole, whichever terminology turns your crank) and the job for the rest of the team is to get the hook into that guy's hands.
Seems like a pretty messy game to me, unless everyone gets special hook handling gloves - which takes away the excitement and of the sport!

One game that should become full-contact is BINGO!!
If you suspect someone is close to BINGO you can take them out by any means necessary.
That would make it more exciting for all the old ladies. They can even use their walkers and canes as weapons.

Fun times.

2004-05-11T15:02:00.000-04:00

okay one last fix-up

yeah

2004-05-11T12:53:00.000-04:00

I think I did it, although maybe some things are a little sloppy. But I don't really care.

Hmmmmm

2004-05-11T12:27:00.000-04:00

I am thinking of utilizing one of the new snazzy templates, but I am concerned I will lose my guestbook or stats... am I paranoid?

p.s

2004-05-09T12:59:00.000-04:00

The Pixies are coming to Montreal and I am going to that show if I have to sell my family off to get the money...

I've been craving a really big party with all kinds of debauchery, where is this party I wonder??

I guess I'll go to Tam Tams today, it's close enough...

In the snooze

2004-05-09T11:57:00.000-04:00

I turned the channel to CNN the other day (even though it has been advised that I don't watch the news, but I don't think CNN can count as a news channel), and one of the CNN guys was debating - with a panel of suits - the recent publicity interviews that the Olsen twins have given in preparation for the release of their movie.

CNN guy was actually criticizing the girls because they said that when they turned 18 and gained legal control of their company they wanted their lives to remain normal.
The news guy seemed to think that by normal the girls meant living in obscurity in a suburb somewhere and he thought this was a ridiculous thing to say.
Instead, the girls obviously meant that they wanted their lives to continue as they have been, which is normal - for them. They won't take control of the company and start making crazy decisions. They said they were going to school and that's about it, which seems normal to me.

My problem with this 'program' is that this was something CNN chose to debate on TV with an actual panel. Who cares about the upcoming U.S elections, the torture pictures or Iraq anymore?
The important thing is the Olsen twins and how they present themselves in the media.
CNN guy and his 'guests' then went on to criticize the girls further because they never seem to reveal their real feelings in interviews.
Okay, didn't we just get finished tearing apart J.Lo and Ben for personally throwing up in public?
Of course the Olsen twins don't want to reveal personal feelings and pinpoint "who is the grumpier twin?"
Who the fuck cares?
People seem to be obsessed with whether the twins really get along (which pair of twins hasn't?) and which twin is late the most often... do people think they take stats on themselves?

Wow, those are important questions. I'm glad people get paid to ask those questions.

It's just what I need to push me over the edge and make me throw my TV set out the window one day.

Freaky

2004-05-05T12:04:00.000-04:00

We've been going through some pretty stressful things lately, and so when I went to the doctor to get my ventolin (asthma) prescription refilled I asked the doctor about options for anxiety and panic attacks.
He wrote something more on my precription pad, told me it was for Xanax and that I should take as needed.

I was in and out of his office in 5 minutes with a prescription for some drug that I had heard bad things about.
Mostly I was interested in valium because I've tried it before.
But here I was with Xanax.
I asked the pharmacist for more information about it because I was scared of the things I'd heard about it (addiction, psychotic episodes). Basically she said it was good for my 'symptoms' but that I should be careful about getting addicted to it.
(I love having to be conscious of becoming addicted to something)

So, I filled the prescription for a measly $9.00 and then I went home to do my own research on this drug.
Everything I ended up reading about this drug had to do with how incredibly addictive it is, and also how dangerous it can be if taken over an extended period of time (but if you get addicted how can you stop taking it?)

The doctor and pharmacist told me to take as needed, but because I've been depressed and anxious I feel like I would need it all the time. How can they leave these decisions with me when I am in this strange state of mind?

The big question on my mind after all of this was how can it be so easy and cheap to get a strong, addictive drug like this, but I can't buy a dime bag?
Pot has never had the reputation that Xanax has, yet it so much harder to get (if you don't live in Montreal or Vancouver).

So after all my research I decided to let the Xanax be and I rolled myself a joint.

But I still can't believe how easy it was to get a prescription and how cheap the pills were. No wonder why people are going crazy for the drug. It's a business just like any other and when they want to move a product they make it as cheap as can be.
But at least the kids can't smoke pot. That would be too dangerous. They might relax without having to pay the drug companies.

$9.00 for two weeks worth of pills.
Now that's a war on drugs.

let's complain

2004-05-03T13:28:00.000-04:00

It is so annoying when you run into those people who are the "good behavior" police. You know who I am talking about.
Those folks who seem to exist only to remind what you should be doing, instead of doing what you are doing. These are the same people who make big things out of stupid things. Like if they know you smoke pot, that's all they ask you about when they see you... are you high now, did you get high today, will you get high later?
Why do they want to know so bad? I don't ask people if they've taken their meds, or had a morning drink. I don't care. If you drink, or smoke, I will not contemplate how far along into your habit you are. That's your business.

Whenever I talk to these people, I end up feeling like I've had an encounter with a friend's strict parents. Suddenly I am reduced to being 13 years old and wondering if I am going to get in trouble.
I've had a few friends like this, and in some cases they are trying to help. Like the friend I had who thought it would help me quit smoking if she groaned in disgust everytime I lit up. Instead I got great satisfaction out of blowing the smoke in her face because I knew how much it would sicken her.
I did quit smoking years later, but only because I wanted to. Not because anyone voiced their disgust to me. That's the worst way to try to get me to quit anything.
If I know I've annoyed you, I'm gonna love doing it again.

This weekend I realized that I have a strange fixation with coffee cups. My husband gave me a cup in the morning for coffee. It was one of the cups I don't use for coffee for some reason. I'll give it to other people for coffee, but I won't use it myself. I don't really know why. All I know for sure is that I have a roster of coffee cups. There are five cups I will use for coffee, based on the different ways I feel each day. In my head I have them labelled 1-5 and I'll go down the line as they get dirty (if I don't feel like like washing dishes that day or week).
It's weird to have to explain that to someone - out loud. Even if they are your husband. He asked me why, and I didn't really know. Some of the cups I like for coffee and others are just not right. Same thing for tea and for when people come over. There are certain cups for guests, and I don't know why.

I also hang the cups on their little cup hooks in a certain order, only known to me. It was disconcerting when my husband's brother came to visit and he did the dishes every morning. I always had to go and put the cups in the right order, although I couldn't really explain why there is a order or what it's based on. Or how he could learn it.

I am still hungover I think from this weekend of drinking. Of course on Thursday we went to the bar to watch the hockey game. My friend came along and we had a good night of drinking. And then on Friday we drank, rode the bike and sat in the park. Oh yeah, and we went to Copacabana. It was so nice all night.
On Saturday we stayed home and drank I think. Things are a bit fuzzy, because then on Sunday I barely ate and drank a few beers in the afternoon, which completely knocked me out for the rest of the day.

Needless to say, I need a break. My body is telling me to stop for a while. So, I guess I'll settle down a bit and wait for a really big party or something. Put some vitamins into me and get stronger before I go crazy again.

Electricity

2004-04-26T15:30:00.000-04:00

Ever meet someone that you know you will have great sex with? You just can tell somehow.
With other people you have to think about what they would be like in bed - creepy, exciting, cheesy.
But with some people, you just get this feeling of electricity that seems to light up every important part of your body. If it's a really great connection, you don't even have to speak to each other, you can feel it the first time your eyes meet. Not in any romantic, meant to be together kind of way. Just physically.
And then, when you do speak, you are sort of amazed by how right your instincts were because you feel like you know the person intimately - somehow.
The flirting is so easy and fun with these people, because it is so effortless.

I guess these experiences are more and less exciting for me because I am married. In a way it's more exciting because nothing can happen and that is out there right away, so the flirting has no limits in a way. I can be as daring as I want because they should know I won't be going home with them.

The less exciting part is the no sex part. I mean come on... it's like a rip off if you think about it. How many people do we have these kinds of instantaneous reactions with in a lifetime? 3000, 300 or 30?
For me, it would be closer to 30, although lately it has been rising quite steadily.
I don't know why.

That doesn't mean that all I think about is having sex with other people, but in a way, it's like when you are a child and you're told you can't have something anymore and then all you want is that one thing.
Wait, I guess that doesn't just go for children, but for anyone.
Especially coke addicts. Or beer junkies.

I was talking about dating with my mom (which is a strange thing to have to get used to) because last week she went on her first date since leaving my dad. Not only was it her first date, but she went out with a guy much younger than her. He's actually my age which didn''t freak me out all that much. I guess TV works and I've seen enough of Demi and Ashton to be okay with all sorts of things. Although, I don't think my dad went on the date, or even knows about it.
He would freak. Unlike good, old Bruce.

But my mom is out of touch with dating and sexuality and the whole thing, so it will be an interesting experience for her. When she used to date, people didn't automatically sleep together on the first date.
She's cool though, so a lot of younger guys have been hitting on her. She's only in her 40's so I guess that's not such a weird thing these days. One lady I know in her 70's keeps a pack of condoms by her bed for when she brings gentlemen callers home.

That's why I think it's so funny when people who are my age think that when they get married and find a house they will be settled. Almost like they are a TV couple and their show is ending. That's all she wrote folks.
But life and marriage are not like that. The marriage is just the beginning of the journey. You have to figure out a way to make it change with you as you find out new things about yourself. I don't believe there is any such thing as settling. It's more like waiting.

At least in my experience.

The Tibetan Monk

2004-04-19T18:27:00.000-04:00

A couple of years ago when I was working at the Dunlop Art Gallery, I had the honor of meeting and working with a Tibetan monk named Lobsang Sampten.
He was doing a sand mandela at the Dunlop as well as leading a two day retreat at a place outside of Regina.
I went on the retreat and brought my mom as a mother's day present for her.

It was a Tibetan Buddhist retreat and when we first arrived, we were told it would be as close to a silent retreat as possible (meaning you talk only when you ABSOLUTELY have to). We were also told it would get up everyday at 7:00am and that we would meditate almost all of the day.
I actually didn't think I would be able to go through with it. I had never meditated, let alone gotten up at 7:00am before. I couldn't imagine going to bed early and not going out for two whole nights.
But, needless to say, it was one of the best experiences of my life. It will sound cheesy to anyone who has never met a Tibetan monk.
Lobsang was one of the sweetest, most loving people I had ever met. Something about his eyes and smile completely melted away every cynical and sarcastic tendency I have within me.
Lobsang was an example to me in his patience and acceptance. He had opinions and like just as everyone else does, but he always gave a feeling of acceptance to everyone around him.

The retreat was great and the sand mandela he did at the gallery was beautiful and inspring to the people who came to see it.
Another reason why the Dunlop Art Gallery should not close.
How many people in Regina would have been able to meet a Tibetan monk and see a sand mandela being created if it wasn't for the gallery... the closing makes me furious.

A little history

2004-04-19T09:31:00.000-04:00

My mom recently left my dad because of his drinking.
25 years, down the drain.
Soon after, he became homeless.
Alhough we were relatively poor all my life, I never truly thought any of us would end up on the street.
But my dad did.
There was nothing any of us could do - we'd been trying our whole lives.
We had to wait for him to realize he was worth it.
To see that he had things to live for (never knew what he had until it was gone)
Now he lives in a group home for recovering addicts.
He has been sober for 4 months.
I couldn't be prouder or love him more.
Homeless or not.

People are strange

2004-04-19T09:23:00.000-04:00

I like people who surprise me, who are nothing like what they seem to be. People who think outside themselves.
People who are what they seem, are like a bad movie - boring and predictable.
The funny thing about people who go to a lot of trouble acting as if they don't take anything seriously, are usually busy taking themselves and their act very seriously. If you turn the tables on them and try not to take them seriously, they become confused. What about me and my act...
And one final rant about - people.
I am VERY annoyed by people who say things they don't mean. If you aren't sincere about offering help, then shut the hell up.

Shots on Goal

2004-04-18T11:25:00.000-04:00

Last night I really wanted to go out, but the hockey game was on and the husband wanted to watch it. I am tired of hockey so I said I would watch it if we did a shot everytime someone scored a goal.

The drinking made the game spin by and then we went for a drunken bike ride in the park. Yes, he fixed my bike and yes it is amazing!
I guess we weren't all that drunk, but the shots make you feel less in control. My hands wouldn't do what my head wanted.

We were supposed to BBQ yesterday, but of course it rained... we have one of those really small bbq's so it doesn't take much rain. It's looking better for today, but we'll see.

I can't wait for the next hockey game now, so many more shots to do.

I keep dreaming about babies and puppies and basically anything not fully grown yet. What does that mean? I know I want a puppy, I don't know if I want a baby or anything else un-grown. Just the puppy.
I already have a husband, so that's enough child care... ha, ha.
Now that is funny.
I need more coffee. Always more coffee.

I got paid today!!

2004-04-16T14:04:00.000-04:00

I like sunny days with paychecks. Looks like it's going to be a fun weekend anyway...

Currently my bike is getting fixed. The back tire became screwed up, so the old man is fixing it right now! Went riding on the mountain the other day, even though it was muddy and rainy and I got that wet strip up my back.
Bike fenders are for wuss's (sp?).
Weird that I don't know how to spell wuss.

And finally that annoying show The Apprentice is finished.
Is there anyway the Trumpster could be worse at reading cue cards? Or at showing emotion? Or not seeming like someone's sick idea of the 21st century robot??
Everyday he looks more and more like a wax version of himself. Or Lenin...
His hair sort of looks like Blair's from The Facts of Life; I wonder if he liked that show? He seems more like a Silver Spoons kind of guy, or maybe even Different Strokes.

Hey wait a sec... the Trumpster looks like the dad from Different Strokes... does that mean he is going to adopt some troubled teenagers and turn that into a reality show?
Could be a mix between that Hilton chick's show and The O.C (that's as troubled as prime time gets)...
If only it were true.

Pull out all my hair time

2004-04-15T13:36:00.000-04:00

Job hunting sucks, plain and simple.

It feels like a Monday

2004-04-14T10:22:00.000-04:00

I really admire people who can take the metro and bus to work everyday. I know I may have to one day and I am not looking forward to that day.
Those modes of transportation seem to bring out the worst in me, and really I would just fear for everyone else's safety.
Once, this guy completetly cut me off as I was in line for the metro exit (busy that day). The guy just cut in front of me, like I wasn't even there.
I said hey and pushed him (not too hard) and he just glanced back at me like, "who cares.."
So then, as he was walking away from me I spit on his back.
Okay, now I know that isn't the greatest behavior, but I wasn't in control. Some inner "metro" demon had taken over me and forced me to get back at the asshole. I couldn't beat him up, or challenge him to a fight. He was quite a bit taller than me, so all I could do was spit - it just happened to be aimed at his back.

Buses are worse in the winter when there are old, old ladies getting on the bus through the back door. And people with babies pushing you, students with their precious knapsacks, and perverts trying to touch your ass without you noticing.

I will take walking and biking anyday. I will send out this prayer for the people who have to deal with the metro and bus everyday:

Dear Transportation Gods,
Please take care of all the lowly workers out there, who are forced to rely upon your services.
Help them to be nicer to each other, so that there will not be any disturbing incidences of spitting or hitting or pissing (you never know).
When they are packed in like little worker sardines, please help them to imagine they are on a beach drinking tequila.
Give them strength, and an empty metro car here and there.
Amen...

Now time for me to go for a walk in the park.

Horse Bicycle

2004-04-13T10:40:00.000-04:00

I had so much fun last night. My husband and I took my bike to the park for a test drive. My friend gave me a bike that someone had left at his work.
I hadn't ridden a bike since I moved here, but I was so ecstatic to have a bike again.
It's a great bike too, and I've put a basket on it. Now I just need a helmut and I will be safe.

But riding on the mountain at night is so much fun. I smiled so much my face hurt. There is something extra exciting about the dark and of course soaring down the paths with no feet!

I can't wait to take the bike out again today... isn't it weird how a bike is the one present that always makes people happy?
I'm almost happy it's raining too, because I need to see how good it works in rain. I'm gonna try to figure out a way to attach an umbrella to the bike. That would be so awesome...

There are so many cd's that I want to buy... especially the new Kelis one, but is it better to buy cd's or clothes... or shoes or purses??
I haven't done a shopping spree in a long time, so I can't wait.
(a little distracted for a sec)

I feel so much more mobile now that I have a BIKE!!!!!
(big grin on my face)

Now we just have to get one for my husband and we will be unstoppable. We joked about riding to Regina one day, and I really hope that's a joke.

My dream vacation is actually a train trip across Canada... the train is so nice and the scenery would be so beautiful. If not on the train, then in one of those camper things. I love camping, in highschool we went camping almost every summer. Not necessarily my family, but if a friend's family would go they would invite me along.
My favorite camping memory is walking up a quiet path after a nice swim, in a light drizzle listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers - Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik on my headphones.
Just something about the music and the scenery and the peace.

2004-04-12T17:54:00.000-04:00

Maybe I should clarify what I mean by lonely...

I have friend's and interests, and have had several jobs since I moved here, I also went to McGill to take a few extra classes. So, I have gotten out and been around the block.
But through all of this, I have always had this feeling of isolation. It has to do with everything always being new, and never getting to be the expert on anything about this city. Even if it has been a few years, I have really only scratched the surface of all there is to Montreal. I feel like an alien all of the time and at home, some of the time.

If you have ever been to small town Saskatchewan, you would see how much of a culture shock moving here would be.
In all of the 22 years that I lived on my block, we had new neighbours a maximum of ten times.
Things don't change all that often in small-town western suburbia.
We moved once when I was in grade ten, and it was down the street.
My aunt lived on our block for a while.

I think my point is that now I am getting used to having a million different neighbours and that they are constantly changing. Needless to say, it's hard to keep track of the students who keep moving in and out of our neighbourhood. I just smile at evryone now, just in case someone is my new neighbour.

So, when I was talking about being lonely, it is more a lonliness of the soul... that sounds like a hallmark card, "here's a kind thought to help the lonliness of your soul."
Yuck.
I have also found marriage to be an isolating thing. I never wanted to get married and then found myself married. It's a long story, but all I know is that marriage is so much stranger than I had ever imagined. Mostly in how other people treat you. Suddenly you are not an individual, you are a pair. And now you are only supposed to rely on one person for many things, instead of like when I was single and I was allowed to rely on all of my friend's and family.
Also, there are always the few friends who refuse to accept the marriage and you grow apart. Or else they think you have changed and treat you like an old married couple.
That's the part that is most isolating, is the assumption that because you are married your life is an endless amount of fun and satisfaction.
I guess that is why I never believed in marriage for myself.
At least now I can warn others...
(ha,ha)

Most of the time I feel happy that I have made this great change in my life. Moving across the country with no family or friends can be seen as very brave...

or incredibly stupid.

But all that matters is that I am accepting of both kinds of experiences in my life.
Brave or stupid...

just as long as I am experiencing something and not hanging in an endless void, which is a little bit the problem these days.
If I was back home I would probably find it easier to remedy this isolation, but here I am over-whelmed by the possibilities.

Sometimes it just feels like too much and I wonder how some people can move to a new city every couple of years... seems like needless torture to me.

Maybe I have clarified what I mean by lonely or maybe I have just confused myself...

the sun is setting now and I have to go watch it.

Every rose blah, blah, blah

2004-04-12T15:55:00.000-04:00

Why is it that getting married and moving to one of the largest cities in Canada has made me more lonely than I have ever been in my life??

Sometimes I find myself longing for my single life in small town Saskatchewan...
and that just seems wrong!

Thou shalt not steal

2004-04-12T13:41:00.000-04:00

When I was very young, me and my best friend went around our neighbourhood early one summer morning, and picked every flower on the block.
You could say it was an impulse that went overboard.

We had really only decided to start in one yard.
Her yard.
Her dad grew these really beautiful, prized flowers on this tree. The tree's branches were a burgundy colour, and the flowers were a delicate, pale pink.
I really loved those flowers, and I hated my friend's dad because he never let us go near his flowers. He was the sort of dad who had a lot of neat things that you couldn't touch, look at, or think about.
Her whole family was like that. Her and sister would make their hallowe'en candy last all year (a thought that astounded me, as me and my sister raced to finish our candy), and their mom had this really great collection of Coke memoribilia that took up a whole room in their basement.
I always thought they were so weird because they had so many things that were only for looking at. My family was all about texture and touch. My mom hung dried flowers on the walls, and we were allowed to play with any and everything.

Anyway, me and my friend had only wanted to pick the flowers in her yard.
Until we realized how fun and easy it was, then we were unstoppable. Maybe that was my first taste of forbidden fun, but I don't even remember the picking.
It was all a blur, running, and picking feeling the stems snapping between our fingers.
We went through every yard. It must have been VERY early in the morning because somehow noone came out and caught us.
Soon we had a plastic bag filled with flowers and our entire block was devoid of flowers. There were flower beds, and bushes and trees, but not one single blossom.
(Have I mentioned I LOVE flowers?)

Once our bag was filled and the frenzy was over, we looked at each other and felt this sinking feeling in our stomachs.
Oh my god, we were dead.
We were going to be killed.
My friend's dad isn't the only one who took special care of his flowers. Our whole neighborhood was an ad for groomed suburbia.
Instead of paying attention to their drinking, money or spousal problems, everyone on our block tended to their yards, as if they could grow the plants over their problems.

At this point, my mom began to wonder why I had been so anonymous all morning. Usually I would be running in and out of the house, or laughing and talking with my friends.
But she hadn't heard anything out of us, which of course made her suspicious. She went looking for me, without my knowledge.

I felt my parent senses tingling and I knew me and my friend had to get rid of the evidence, so we quickly stashed the flowerbag under my neighbour's trailor which was parked in his driveway.

I felt numb for a while, because we were scared we would be found out. And bitter because I never got to enjoy one single flower.
The only thing I got to enjoy was our neighbourhood waking up to no flowers anywhere.
People were angry and had noone to blame it on... they tried to pin it on random teen gangs, but I don't think anyone ever really believed that.

Later I found out that my mom had found the flower bag while she snooped on us, and she had thrown it away. She knew we would be in big trouble and so she covered for us without us even knowing.
The weird thing was that I had a feeling she knew. It was just the way she looked at me, sort of with a whole new respect. Like she never realized how nervy I could be, or how deceiving.
I wonder if it's a good thing or bad thing to find that out about your kids.
On the one hand you can see that they are individuals, and on the other hand you hope they aren't psychopaths...

One day I told her what we had done, and she told me what she had done.
I had a new respect for her when I heard how she had covered.
Very decent.

I hope I'll be a cool mom...

The Doors every time

2004-04-08T22:37:00.000-04:00

Lately I've been thinking a lot about what it means to be self-destructive and why I seem to go through these stages of extreme behavior. When I was in highschool, I thought it would stop after school, and then after university I thought that maybe I was finally settling down. Now I find I am going through the same thing. I want to go crazy everyday and live life like Jim Morrison.
There is something so romantic about being self-destructive. Choosing it rather than succumbing to it. I guess that's what Leaving Las Vegas is about... I watched that movie once and even though I own it, I still haven't been in the proper mood to watch that movie a second time.
My absolute favorite movie is The Doors. I have seen that movie more times than I could count. I read every book I could find on Jim or by him. I've also watched almost all their real concert footage and documentaries. For a period of about three years, I couldn't get enough.
Then I let it all go.
It's been a while since I've seen the movie now, and all this talking about it is making me get a craving for it. Almost like having a sweet tooth, I need my fix of psychedelic rock jocks...

But, there really is noone out there living it up like past rock idols used to do it. There is too much clean living going on. Charlie Sheen going straight, Aston Kutcher dating an older woman and making it seem boring, and Beyonce saying her values wouldn't allow her to kiss a woman.
Give me a break. I thought celebrities were getting paid so much because of the risk factor involved in being a boozy, drugged and sexed up star.
I didn't think that they're supposed to be living quietly and squirreling away the money. That's their entertainment fund, to be used on having an extreme amount of fun... to entertain us.
Needs to be more arrest photos and videos of drunken stars lashing out at us general folk.
After all, who will the young people look up to? Who will be their Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin or Jimi Hendrix?
Who I ask?
All the kids have these days is Bobby Brown, Jacko and Martha Stewart.
Not cool.

"I pity the fool..."

My gal Thursday was kissing his gal Friday

2004-04-08T11:49:00.000-04:00

It has been a craphole of a week and I can't wait for it to be over. I just want to hide under a rock or sleep for the next 3 days.
I still haven't had my morning cup of coffee and I don't feel properly jolted yet. My typing is very slow..... it is forcing me to use short sentences.
Dogs are nice.
Offices suck.
Trees are great.
Bushes suck (ha,ha)
I hungry.

I feel like I am supposed to be doing more with this sunny, hopeful morning. But then again, it's probably just as good to have a beer, smoke a joint and sit on the balcony. It's better to start early on the sunny days because then you can drink outside and get the proper amount of Vitamin D.
See, then it's healthy.
I have the remedy!
That's my angle baby, I am the remedy doctor. You just tell me what sort of naughty behavior you've been getting into and I tell you how to get some kind of remedy out of it too.

Having no coffee yet has made me delerious.
Me get coffee.

Way back...

2004-04-05T18:35:00.000-04:00

When I was in grade two, I was sent home from school for swearing.
My teacher called my mom and told her that she was really worried "because at recess that day, Amanda had called another student a swear word" (it was actually two). My mom asked what I had said and the teacher told her.
I guess the reason it was such a big deal was that young kids didn't used to swear that much or something. Now, I am guessing it's a different story but back then (around '83) kids didn't swear like truckers.
My mom was actually more amused about my teachers' reaction than my actual swearing. She thought it was really funny that this was something people worried about.
But, when I came home from school I knew that I was probably going to be in trouble. I had already been punished at school - I had to write lines for homework saying that swearing is wrong.
My mom was waiting for me of course, but instead of being angry she was very understanding. She asked me what had happened and why I had called another student a name. I told her that this girl at school was always annoying me - and sometimes on purpose.
I told my mom how that day, the girl had been teasing me and trying to get me angry, so while I was chasing her around the schoolyard trying to get her to shut up, I yelled out "you're a fuckin bitch!"

I remember how good it had felt to let all that frustration out. I had disliked this girl for a long time, but had been keeping it to myself. It felt so good to let everyone know how I really felt about her. I think I probably looked proud as the teacher dragged me into the classroom.

My mom seemed to understand because she just hugged me and told me that next time I should try to hold back and if I have to say something, it shouldn't be a swear word.
But I knew that she didn't really care about swear words. They were just words and she was more concerned about my frustrations with this girl.
She told me not to take to heart what everyone says. She told me I should let this girl be silly and it didn't have to affect me.
I think was one of the first times I knew my parents were different than everyone else's.

I guess their record collection could have tipped me off too - The Go-Go's, Rolling Stones, Stevie Wonder, Adam Ant...

My parents were a LOT younger than my friend's parents.
I am so grateful for that, otherwise I would probably have shitty taste in music and no capacity for swearing like a drunken sailor.
Two of my very best qualities I think.

The summer of '89

2004-04-04T18:33:00.000-04:00

The summer that I was twelve going on thirteen was one of the first wild summers of my life. That was the summer I started smoking (quit when I was 21), it was the summer I first became introduced to binge drinking, and it was the summer that I had my first boyfriend and went past first base (with more than one boy by the time summer was over. That was also the summer I started dying my hair and the first colour I chose was a shocking blue-black. Two months later, I went to a bright red/orange colour.
I haven't had my own colour since that summer. I also shaved off part of my hair that year.

My best friend's dad threw our grade eight class a party in his backyard. I guess he figured it would be safe to let us drink, so he bought us a couple of 26's of various kinds of alcohol. We invited the whole class, plus some of the kids from the grade nine class. The older boys decided they should bartend and for some reason we all agreed. To this day, I am still remembering things about that day/night/morning. I know I had at least three or four drinks within the space of an hour and then the rest is a strange series of events that slowly replays over and over in my mind. I know that at one point we all scattered around the neighborhood and it must have been surreal for all the people who saw all the teenagers drunk and wandering around the streets.
I ran through someone's sprinkler, told an older tough girl she had a weird name (it was Honey) but she didn't beat me up... instead she laughed and said she liked me.

The next weekend me and my friend filled up a plastic 600 ml coke bottle with every kind of alcohol we could find at her house. The drink was a strange brown colour and it tasted like shit, but we drank it and got wasted.
That was the beginning of a career in binge drinking for me and my friends, and by the the time we were in grade twelve, we were pretty much burned out for a while.

Later in that same summer, I had to call my mom to come and get me and a friend after we drank a couple of mickey's with some guys in our class. I threw up in the one guys sink while he and my friend had sex in his parents room. It was her first time and she bled all over the place. She told my mom all about it while my mom carried her home, through the park. Meanwhile, my dad was at home passed out himself and the next day he was none the wiser. Not like it would have mattered.

I called my mom a few times that summer and throughout grade nine. One time I was at one friend's house hanging out, then I went next door to another friend's place who was having a party. I drank about six beer in an hour, went back to my other friend's and puked on his doorstep. My mom had to drag me home that night.

Then when I was 14 turning 15 and in grade ten, I started hanging out with a tougher group of people and we loved getting into trouble. Fights, drinking, sex, skipping school and just about anything else we could think of.
That was the year I first was suspended from school for missing too many classes. I had received many warnings and had even been on a contract deal where I had to get each of my teachers to sign a paper everyday saying I had been in class. That just made school all the more unbearable, so I stopped going and became very good at pinball.
Also that year, my mom got a call from one of my friend's parents saying that we had stolen her van and hadn't been home all night. My mom freaked and my friend yelled at her mom for calling my mom.
We had spent the whole night rallying forces to come and help us beat up these guys we had been chasing in the van all night. They had thrown a slurpee and a cigarette in the van and the upholstery was wrecked, so we had to get them back.
That was a great night. There is nothing like a car chase to spice things up, especially with about five or six big teenage guys ready to fight the people in the car in front of us.
My 15th birthday, my dad gave me a cigarette making machine. I was the envy of all my friends.
Also when we were 15, we started going drinking at golf courses on the outskirts of the city. Lots of beer, lots of drugs, sort of like the party at the end of Dazed and Confused.

All I really remember about the summer I was 15 turning 16 is all the different kinds of alcohol we tried. Huge tumblers filled with butter brickle liquer, lemon gin and rum and coke by the gallons. I remember playing strip poker while drinking huge amounts of vodka, and at one party when I was 16, three of us girls drank a mickey of Polar Ice in 15 minutes and then proceeded to throw up and pass out within an hour.
That was one of many nights where I was lucky and I should have gone to the hospitable.

By the time I turned 17, I was pretty much puked out of every kind of hard alcohol there was. I couldn't smell a rum and coke without dry heaving and there was NO WAY in hell I was ever going to drink any kind of alcoholic butterscotch drink again.

So, on my 18th birthday I had a party in the backyard and we drank beer instead of hard stuff. That was a night where I could have ruined beer for myself, but thankfully I didn't.
I don't remember much except the drinking and then I peed in the backyard because I didn't want to go in the house where my mom would see me.

If I actually had to name everytime I went too far with alcohol this list would be endless. Just getting the highlights is proving to be a nightmare.

In grade twelve when I was 17 turning 18, I almost got kicked out of school for smoking on school property. The principal threatened to call my parents and I asked her who she thought bought my cigarettes. This blew her mind, she backed off and I graduated.

Needless to say, I have never learnt my lesson and there were even more drunken binges later on as well as raves and parties and making out with guys while their wives watched and making out with a girl while our friends watched...
I thought that maybe I had settled down now because there have been a few quieter years, but I can feel the old things starting up again.... I am not the leopard that can change its spots, or drinking habits.

Final draft

2004-03-30T11:42:00.000-05:00

I've been working non-stop on the piece I've been working on, and I feel really good about it. The big day is tomorrow and I will be reading it on cbc radio noon. I'm no that nervous anymore because I feel like I did what I had to do and now the fun part is ahead. I just have to read it. If I make a mistake it won't really be a big deal, because I will still have done the work. I'm just gonna try and have fun with it.
Plus, I got a whole bunch of other material out of this work, and so after this project is done, I am going to be laying out a book...

The big thing is that tomorrow night I am going out for drinks after the performance to celebrate. I can't wait for it. The stress will be over and I can be happy that I did something I thought I would NEVER, EVER do.

So, who knows where drinks will be, except that we tend to go to copacabana. Nice ambience and good drink prices.
I am so excited for everything.
The other great thing about all this is that I get to buy some new clothes with the paycheck!!!! I have been planning this shopping trip since I saw the spring collections. I'm going to get some new shoes and a new purse. I'm practically drooling right now just thinking of buying a new purse.

I have a strong urge to have some drinks tonight, but that's a big no-no the night before a performance I think. I'm no professional, but it just seems logical.

I'll just keep thinking about the shopping and partying that will be sure to follow for the rest of the week. Oh yeah, and going to a lot of the things planned at the Blue Metropolis festival. There are so many awesome sessions planned, so I am looking forward to that!
My reading is a part of the festival, which is cool. This is the link for it.

where I will be reading

So here's to breaking a leg...

poop is in the air

2004-03-28T17:25:00.000-05:00

Went for a walk/picnic on the mountain. Very bright and crisp which is what I prefer. I hate hot and sticky, so it's good when it's a little cold.
Most of the walk was spent catching whiffs here and there of dogshit. Very scenic.
Sometimes the smell was strong it seemed like it was everywhere. The dogs seemed happy. Probably like hearing/smelling a million old messages from friends gone by... if that makes sense.
If it doesn't, I will blame the wine. I took a half bottle and some bread and cheese up there. It was an exercise of sorts... what kind you're wondering??
I guess that's for me to know and you to find out.

Spent last nite drinking vodka and seven after vodka and seven after vodka and seven. Had some people over and we just sat around drinking waiting for it to kick in. Must have been faulty alcohol because it wasn't until we went out and I bought a vodka cooler from the depanneur that I actually started to feel a little tipsy. The buzz from the vodka coolers can be pretty good, but you pay for it in the amunt of sugar those things have. It can hurt later.

But I finally slept in and actually got some rest. Now I will be able to stay up late and work. Or watch bad movies, I can't decide which is best...
Now I'm feeling the wine a lot and beginning to wonder if it was a good idea to start this. It is a Sunday night after all, which means nothing to me, but a lot to some people.
Oh well, can't take it back now (tee, hee).

I know I did a lot of crazy dreaming last night, but it was all gone before I even opened my eyes. There was a baby in there somewhere and I was having a hot make-out session with someone, who I can't remember at all. It makes me horny, trying to remember that part of the dream. But that really isn't a surprise... anything tends to make me horny.
I also believe there were palm trees somewhere in the dream, but don't quote me on that. It could have been a movie I'm thinking about.
Speaking of movies, as a film graduate, I am tired of people telling me who and what I should like about film. It's my business. I've studied it, so it's not like I have random opinions on things, which I think would be better anyway half the time.
My point is that I wouldn't tell an architect what kinds of buildings she has to like and which architects she has to admire. Why would anyone even care if you really think about it? Even if the person had the most uneducated and hideous opinions in architecture, it's their business. This is getting confusing, but all I know is that if one more person tells me I have to admire Tarantino, I will cut their ear off, and tell them that I appreciate his ideas on torture, throw the ear at them and walk away.
In a perfect world.

The light outside is almost like it is on the prairies sometimes. I almost feel like I could look out the window and see a flat field stretched out before me... but what I will actually see is a busy street with a bunch of cars.
But the light is the right shade of amber, like the light around a campfire.

I thought yesterday was Friday

2004-03-26T16:10:00.000-05:00

Went to copacabana for some beers last night with a friend and his brother.
Maybe that's why I thought it was Friday yesterday. Managed to maintain a good level of drunkeness all night.
So what is it with me and weirdos on the metro? Today a guy who looked pretty normal (although those ones never are the normal ones, think about Ted Bundy - Ted, not Al) came on the metro and openly gawked and stared at me. I ignored him, and he stood right next me (even though the metro was pretty empty), then he stood directly in front of me and stared. I put on my best bitchy, get lost face... so he sat beside me. I kept acting like I couldn't see him and he finally got off the metro. Of course it was at the same stop as me, but I got off after him and waited until he was out of sight... and this was all in the middle of the day.

I didn't drink enough water last night/this morning so I have got the worst headache... I think it also has to do with how humid it has been all day. This city and its crazy amount of humidity is going to be the death of me. Tis the season of excessive sweating and stickiness.
I never even really heard of humidity until I moved here. In Regina, there is no such thing as humidity. The plains are dry and flat... straightforward if you will.
Or boring. It really depends on how much hallucinogens one has consumed.
The more the merrier I sometimes say.

I have been craving martinis in fun glasses. Beer is so stale during the rainy season.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall...

2004-03-23T21:40:00.000-05:00

There are cracks in everything these days.

Cracks in my plastic salad bowl, cracks in the walls, cracks in my sanity, and cracks in my families' stability. I'm pretty upset about the salad bowl because it was one of my sturdiest and most trusted. Now what will I do?

I've been having this reoccuring dream over the past little while and it is the most frustrating dream ever. In it, I am with my husband and we are somewhere, doing something. The hard part is that I can barely see, just like when my eyes get really tired at night and I have to squint to see the TV or computer screen. I am walking around in the dream trying really hard to see anything. I keep thinking to myself that if I can just get some eyedrops, I wlll be able to see better again, but for some reason I never say this aloud to my husband. I just keep squinting and trying really hard to see something through the blurry fog.
The weird part is throughout the whole time in the dream I keep feeling that all I ever really need to see in life is right in front of me, if I could just make it out.
That's why I keep squinting harder and harder. I keep getting this urgent feeling that everything I ever need to see is right in front of me.

I guess I can figure out what that dream means, but in a way, I still can't see right so I don't know what it is that's in front of me that is so damn important.

What am I missing??
What do I need to see?

Tony was the boss, that's a fact of life

2004-03-22T15:30:00.000-05:00

I was just thinking about "The Facts of Life". I wish I could remember more about it, but for some reason the only two things that come to mind are Tutti and the fat one (I don't even remember her characters' name). I guess they aren't things but rather people. Wait. I'll leave it at things.
Hey, I also remember Blaire. She had really ashy blonde hair that looked like horsehair.
I wonder what the show I was like... I seriously can't remember. But I do know I hated the song at the beginning. I always thought the lady who sang it sounded really pretentious and Mary Poppons-ish. Like she was doing her dishes and arranging her record collection while she was singing the damn song.
Get off your high-horse.

I'm very happy that it snowed over the weekend. It's like a spit in the face to anyone who actually believed winter was over. Ha, ha!
Winter in Montreal is much shorter than in Saskatchewan, where it usually starts around September/October. That's when they get snow, enough so that it doesn't melt away until sometime in April or May.
That's why I don't think winter out here is anything. It barely gets cold here. Not long enough to notice it anyway.

I had a very indulgent weekend which should mean it's back to the grind today, except that I don't have a grind... on purpose.
What does today mean then? Well, it's back to creatively planning my days and giving as much time to writing as I can. Although I find it's much easier to be able to say, "I didn't have enough time today... boo hoo"
When I do make the time and stick with it, I get a lot done, or nothing good done, or something in between. But the point is that I am using the time instead of not making time and using that as an excuse not to put anything out. (I think I am justifying something to myself here)

Who cares anyway... writers are so annoying. It's the nature of the beast, but it disgusts me. I feel like I'm always talking about the writing and whether I had a productive day or if my mind is shutting down again. I don't like being so grotesquely conscious of myself.
I want to be anonymous in every way possible... like, "who's that girl?"
It's like being the girl desperately seeking Susan without knowing that she is Susan.

Hey, that would be a great swedish re-make of Desperately Seeking Susan. In black and white of course.

I can't stop thinking about this one quote from The Last Crossing:

"Aloysius said he arrived in America from Ireland just a babe in arms, but once he got off the potato diet, he grew like a weed. He is a prodigious height, six-foot-four in his stockings..."

It makes me imagine his mum holding him as they step off a boat and he is just a baby, but gnawing on a huge potato.
Then I can see him growing super fast, with his legs and arms sprouting out of the baby blanket... sort of like a weed.

I just can't stop imagining all the repercussions of this quote... super tall men from Ireland, potatoes, and stockings.

Stuck on a tropical island

2004-03-19T15:59:00.000-05:00

For some reason, pub night is taking place now, in the middle of the afternoon. We are having some beers, empanadas. That doesn't mean we are getting along right now.
(the old ball and chain).

This whole day has been a waste. Nothing done in terms of writing. Nothing done in terms of cleaning. Simpy nothing done.

Why don't I feel like thanking anyone because it is Friday??

If a drink spills in the forest...

2004-03-18T22:39:00.000-05:00

This whole week has been blah. I know that I am in need of a change, but I am too tired to even start thinking about it.

Every night I wake up about fifty times because my arms fall asleep. I don't know how I keep laying or what is happening, but I can't go for an hour without my hands and/or arms getting all tingly and numb. It is frustrating. If there is a reason for this, I wish somebody would tell me.
In my old hypochondriac days I would have already assumed that this meant something really bad is wrong with me.
Right now, I am willing to give my appendages the benefit of the doubt.

At least I still look forward to sleep... there is nothing better.

Except maybe doing things that make going to sleep even better, like staying up for days or weeks partying and dancing and just simply going crazy.
Sleeping after one of those marathons is the sweetest sleep...
and now I will finish the rest of the title
... will you have time to make it to the depanneur for another?

no pub night, some cat talk

2004-03-18T20:14:00.000-05:00

for some reason we aren't going out tonight...

Wouldn't it be funny if tooth-whitening gel made people's teeth fall out in addition to getting whiter, or if it was actually dogshit instead of tooth gel. Maybe it really is just crushed up old dog shit.
Anyway, I was just wishing something like that was true when I saw one of those teeth whitening commercials.
Or that a bear would attack the woman...

I am in a foul mood, which I guess is what happens when I haven't had a chance to vent some steam...

Whenever I get really annoyed I get some kind of allergic reaction, almost as if I am allergic to annoyances. I should wear a medic alert bracelet that says, "in case of annoyance, lie down immediately and have a drink, try to avoid annoying things such as george bush, james woods, and the view; especially that star one"

I could list so many more, but this isn't the amazing list of annoying things. If it were I would dressed like a clown (and who says I'm not) and some dogs would be playing poker while juggling cats.
Stinkin' cats.
Just kidding. I like cats alright I guess. It's just that I am allergic to them, which is really more annoying because of the reactions of the owners rather than my physical reactions.
(for some reason it was REALLY hard to type that)
They usually say something like, "oh you don't like cats?"
And then I look around the room uncomfortably as everyone stares at me questioningly... and I say, "well, it's not that I don't like them, it's that I am physically sickened by them."
This usually results in a confused look and then they say,
"but my [interject some stupid cat name... fuzzy, sweetie, puffy, whatever] is so nice. He/she/it is the best cat ever!"

Somehow I manage to roll my eyes without them seeing. I mutter, "yes, your cat is great. Let's change the subject now. When my time comes I will just drag myself into some corner to wheeze and hack and die."

Then they laugh and say I'm funny and I spend the rest of the night running away from the cat. Everyone thinks I am being silly. I want to kill something. For some reason, not the cat. It's not the cat's fault that they have to have owners. It's the way it is.

And we both have to suffer for it.

first day

2004-03-18T09:50:00.000-05:00

Well, it's actually not my first day. I do have another blog, but it is a unknown to others unless they are strangers...

Yesterday, I bit my fingernails to the bone for some reason and now it is really painful to type.
When I moved to Montreal I stopped biting my nails for a while and that was nice. I thought there was something about Regina that made nail-biting so exciting, but I've started to do it here again and so my theory must be thrown out of a window... of a fast moving car.

I have been working on this writing piece that is about being Metis. I will post it here when it is finished and I will also post the link for when I read the piece on the radio. I am super nervous about this because I don't EVER perform things, but this project is different from others. It is inspired by a book called "The Last Crossing" by Guy Vanderhaeghe. The book is... well, hard to describe. All I can really say is that every Canadian should read it, especially if you are from the west. The way he describes the prairie sky makes me so homesick.
There are so many differences between Regina and Montreal, and the sky is the biggest difference of all.

It was so weird when I first came to Montreal and realized that there is no Metis local or centre here. This is the birthplace of the Metis culture and yet there is no Metis nation in this province.
I guess most of the Metis moved out west, but I would still think that they deserve a mention.
Please read The Last Crossing . You will see how important the Metis are to this country.

Tonight is pub night! We were supposed to go last night, but decided tonight is better. I don't even remember why...